Monkey Mama Lite

The long road ahead

I’m having a day. And it’s all because of the stupid scale that is up an astounding 4 lbs in less than 24 hours. The realistic side of me realizes that something is off, but the frustrated, trying desperately to reach a goal by November 30^th side of me wanted to punch a big ole’ hole through our bathroom wall. Instead, I cried in the shower. A lot. And then went to work with a big ole’ attitude on my shoulder. Cause let’s face it, the biggest motivator in weight loss is plain and simple weight loss. And the biggest de-railer in weight loss is a large, unexpected, scale jump.

Saturday night I started to feel my resolve to eat clean, slipping away. I made myself my usual chamomile tea and made the husband some hot chocolate. And as I stared into our cabinet that holds our tea/coffee/hot chocolate stash, I really wanted some of the delicious, decadent, dark chocolate hot chocolate that was staring back at me; full of refined sugars and all out deliciousness. And it wasn’t like I just wanted that cup, it was like I saw the whole holiday season staring back at me, and I just wanted to give up on this weight loss journey. I just wanted to say, “ENOUGH!” and start eating sugary, tasty, and horrible for me, delicious morsels of the holidays. The good news is that I stuck with my tea. I didn’t go and blow my hard work and I didn’t crash and burn, which makes the large scale hike this week all the more disappointing.

What this disappointment and frustration also reminds me of are my old, buried, but not forgotten, HORRIBLE habits for weight loss. I never had a full blown eating disorder. But I have gone through a few periods of borderline bulimia. Tiptoeing into the vicious cycle of binging and purging, in a desperate attempt to eat AND lose weight. I have always been able to stop, before it became horribly unhealthy, always able to step away from the compulsion and step back into reality. I know I can’t return to those unhealthy habits, even if they mean I could make it to my November 30^th goal, but they still pop up, tapping at the back of my brain as possibilities. But I want to be successful. I want to lose this weight, the road ahead of me just seems very, VERY long.

Yes (before this morning’s stupid scale hike) I have lost 32 lbs since December 28^th, 2009. And yes, my clothes fit, my exercise endurance is greater, I can feel my muscles growing and getting stronger. But, to be honest, I just don’t feel that different. I look at pictures and I see the same fat girl staring back at me. I still feel like last year’s Andrea, overweight and frustrated. And it frustrates me because I earned every one of those lost pounds, and I feel like it should feel different. I feel like I should FEEL better. And, I’m scared. I am really, really scared. A set back like this, on an already fragile sense of resolve to make it to my goal, scares the heck out of me. Yes, I have changed a lot, but those bad habits are still there, poking out their devilish heads when my resolve is low. Tempting me to make bad choices with a million excuses why it is ok. And the holidays are hard, even for a healthy person without a lifetime of bad eating choices. No one ever said this journey would be easy. But today, this journey is kicking my butt, and I’m fearful I don’t have the resolve to kick it right back. 

 

To run or not to run, that is the question

I  am currently in a state of exercise confusion.

Back at the beginning of August I started running, in the effort to train for the 10k I had registered David and I for. And as we all know, I despise running. I just don’t find it enjoyable. But I started training. And for about a month we were on a roll. And then David hurt his knee, started school, and I stopped losing weight. So I cut out the running. And I started to do a lot more weight training. And voila! I lost over 5 pounds in September.

But now I am not sure exactly what to do. We have the 10k race coming up on October 30^th. And I’m pretty darn sure that I will be just fine walking the 6.2 miles. But I feel like I should start running again, so I can at least run 5k worth of the 10k. But I also want to continue losing weight. I walk. I ride our stationary bike, and I kick my butt during my weight training/endurance workouts. Do I NEED to run? Am I doing myself a disservice by not doing as much cardio as I used to? I don’t think so, especially if you adhere to the “Primal Lifestyle” way of living. But I can’t help but doubt myself. Should I be adding back in more cardio to my daily/weekly routine?

No matter what, we are participating in the Wicked 10k on October 30^th. So what I know for sure is that I am going to be AT LEAST walking 6.2 miles. But the rest of it, well that is a huge question mark. I love my weight training even though I often think I may die in the middle of one of the crazy Body Pump classes. And I enjoy walking in my neighborhood (although the treadmill I firmly believe was created by the devil. No matter how awesome your workout mix is, the treadmill is just BORING).

My current Primal brain is telling me to just keep doing what I have been doing, because it is obviously working. But my historical brain, the one that has been dieting and exercising for years, tells me that I need to start incorporating more cardio and that I need to run at least half of the 10k. I would LOVE some feedback. Help!!!

Why hello there clothes, I sure have missed you!

Today was our third fatbet weigh-in. And in one month I have lost 5.4 pounds. And I have to admit, that it feels really freakin' good.

Back in April I ordered some clothes from Old Navy, including a pair of khaki pants. I thought the pants would fit back then. Turns out, they were made small (should have taken the online reviews to heart) and they were WAY TOO TIGHT. Way too tight is an understatement, I had inches to go before they could be buttoned and my legs looked like sausage casings. Not exactly a good look. So, they turned into my short-term goal pants. I thought that it would take me loosing about 10 more pounds from where I was in April to be able to fit into those pants.

And I hung the pants on the back of my bedroom door. They served as a daily reminder of where I was trying to go, with my healthy lifestyle. And I probably tried those pants on at least 10 times between April and today. I desperately wanted to wear those pants.

Today, after my fatbet weigh-in, I decided to give the pants another try. And low and behold, the darn things fit. With a little room to spare! It was as if the heavens opened up and the angels started to sing. I haven't seen weight loss progress like that in quite some time. Living Primal has finally started to take hold in my life and my body LOVES the change.

I can't even fully explain how good it feels to be in this place with my weight loss journey. Today marks 28 pounds lost total, since December 28th. I sometimes touch my stomach just to appreciate the fact that it is no longer quite so flabby. I look in the mirror and I don't hate the image that is staring back at me. This process, this healthy life, it is something that I can thank myself for doing. And I am thanking myself by sticking with it. Nine months later I am still working it. Nine months later I am still shrinking, and my pride is growing. Because the best reward I can give myself through this process, is to keep sticking with it. There is no better reward then stepping on the scale and seeing those numbers drop. It feels really darn good.

Fatbet, baby!

I have never competed in a weight loss challenge. I have seen some on Twitter, the ones that had to do with primal eating and I have seen some on the Weight Watchers message boards, but I never partook in any of them. Mostly because I know myself, and a simple challenge isn’t going to motivate me. “Winning” isn’t enough motivation for me, there has to be something tangible to motivate this rockstar and her ghetto booty.

And then yesterday I was introduced, through a stream of tweets from my twitter friends, about a handy little site called Fatbet. The humor alone on that site had me hooked from the start. And then everyone’s favorite Grokstar created a challenge. The Twitter Bitches challenge. And although the cash is a HUGE motivator, it is the penalty for losing that will keep the chocolate milkshakes and french-fries out of my piehole. If you don’t make it to your goal by November 30^th, you have to wear a hideous holiday sweater, OUT IN PUBLIC, or, heaven forbid, TO A PARTY! For any of you that know me, you know that this would be TRAGIC! Even when I was an elementary school teacher, holiday sweaters of all kinds were banned from my wardrobe. Me wearing a holiday sweater means that hell has frozen over, or I lost this bet, which I vehemently refuse to do.

So, I have 90 days to lose 13.4 pounds. Considering how slowly I have been losing weight this time around, that is quite an ambitious goal. But mark my words, I will be successful. What a great birthday present that will be to myself too, making it to that goal before my birthday. And if all goes as planned, there may also be a mini Twitter Bitches Fatbet reunion in Florida, providing the weight loss mission has been achieved. And that my friends is why the gym and I are going to become BFFs. I have signed up for this challenge, I have paid my entrance fee, and now I am going to grokout!

My elusive milestone

(Apparently the procrastination has taken over, and I am back to blog writing. Go figure)

These days, most of my posts are inspired by blog posts that I read by others.

Today, I was catching up on a little Primal Matriarch blog reading, and I came across this post entitled Mole Hill. And lordy, it was exactly what I needed to read today. I have been stuck at this weight that I am at, since about the end of June. I dropped a few pounds once initially starting the Primal Lifestyle, but recently I have put those few back on. And I have been beating myself up over it. I have been agonizing about what I am eating, and how much I am eating, and I’m starting to feel a little beat down again. Because the scale, the stupid inanimate object, is beating me down. And logically I know that it shouldn’t. Logically I know that my clothes are fitting better, that I am fitting back into more and more of the “back of my closet” clothes that I haven’t worn in years. I see my reflection in the bathroom mirror and I don’t grimace. But I still feel like the numbers should be better.

I am a big girl. I have always been and I will always been a big girl. As an adult I have gotten past my previous trauma of feeling like “a giant” and I have embraced the fact that those single digit clothes will never be a part of my wardrobe. I am simply not built that way. In 2001, when my grandfather was diagnosed with cancer that would 3 months later claim his life, I gained 20 pounds in that 3 months, and crossed the infamous 200lb mark, and haven’t looked back.

I would be happy to live the rest of my life in a size 12 or 14. Because I know that that is a healthy place, FOR ME, and it’s a place that I should be able to maintain. People around me sometimes say that I should strive for a goal a little higher. Who says that I can’t be a size 8 or a size 6, they say. They say, who says you can’t be 140 pounds (My goal is 180). But I am the one who knows my body. I am not making excuses for myself, I simply know that even when I was 16 years old, the smallest I ever got was a size 10. And that was after a heartbreaking break-up, I didn’t eat for two weeks, and I was playing lacrosse and running, everyday.

My goal, for now, is to break the 200 pound mark. I want to see my scale say something in the 100’s again. There were a brief few weeks, the last time I did weight watchers successfully, that I got myself back to that weight, but I was doing unhealthy things (a story for another day). Right now there is something elusive about that 199 milestone. It’s like my pot of gold at the end of my double rainbow or something. With all of the running, and all of the eating well, I should certainly be at like, one MILLION pounds lost, right, RIGHT?

Attack of the Killer Zucchini

I have mentioned before that I started a small garden this year. And there was hope for some zucchini. The zucchini had taken over most of the space in my garden, crowding out what was left of the tomatoes. The cucumbers and the yellow squash never grew. They grew for a bit at the beginning, but their growth dropped off after about the second week, and they never came back to life.

My garden was an experiment. I had low expectations. And it’s a good thing that I did because it wasn’t the most successful thing I have done. Next year I am going to build a large planter, like the one my favorite Sister in Law built at her house.

(This should probably read, I am going to ask very nicely for my husband to build me a planter. It gives him an excuse to use his tools, he should be totally onboard, RIGHT??) The soil at my house is a little wonky, and where I planted my garden doesn’t get sun throughout the day. So I think a big planter full of veggies will be my best bet.

About a week ago I checked on what is left of my garden and I noticed that there were a few zucchinis growing. They were still too small to pick but I was excited that there would be some zucchini to grill or turn into spaghetti noodles.

Yesterday I finally remembered to check on the zucchini. And I was SHOCKED at what I found. It was like attack of the killer zucchini!

 

(Child inserted to show the shear magnitude of the monster zucchini!)

See, the zucchini is so monstrous it has scared my child! It made him cry! And I think it also really pissed him off that he couldn't move the darn zucchini. He is not usually one to let something like a killer zucchini get in his way.

There was another, smaller zucchini too. But by small I mean, about the size of my size 9 ½ shoe.

This zucchini made me think of some kind of horror film. Watch out people, the zucchinis are going to be taking over your towns, your cities….be afraid, be VERY afraid.

Score = Andrea: 2 -Temptation: 0

Last night, I said “No thank you” to pizza. I will give you all a minute to digest that concept……There was pizza, freshly baked, covered in cheesy deliciousness, and I chose not to eat it. I ate a salad instead. And, for the first time in a long time, I wasn’t resentful or feeling deprived. I just didn’t want to eat it. I didn’t want to feel gross afterwards. Andrea: 1 – Temptation: 0

Today I was CRAVING a turkey sandwich. And not just any turkey sandwich, a turkey sandwich, with the meat, freshly sliced off of the whole roasted turkey, a little cranberry sauce, some lettuce, onions all pilled together in a sandwich full of deliciousness. But I didn’t want the bread. So, I ordered the sandwich, from my little work café, on a wrap. And I asked for extra veggies. And then I ate the sandwich, with a fork, but threw the tortilla wrap away. I had all of the flavor that I was desiring, without the carb crash that usually accompanies that sandwich. And once again, I felt like I was in control. I felt powerful. Andrea: 2 – Temptation: 0

I am a lover of food. I love the flavors, the textures, the experience of food. And this little game I have been playing with myself, of trying to eat the things that I LOVE while still being healthy has actually become fun. I am learning how to make things in new, healthier ways, full of flavor, without added crap. It is a remarkable feeling, one I haven’t had in quite some time, to feel like I am in control of my body again.

Today I pulled out a pair of pants, from my closet that I haven’t worn in four years. And I am wearing them to work. I have many cute, still fashionable items of clothing that I haven’t worn in years, staring at me from the dark corners of my closet, just waiting for their second chance too. And although I have a long way to go to wear many of those little pieces of fashion heaven again, it is nice to know that I WILL wear them again.

My perfectly imperfect journey

I’m still in the “inbetween” between wrapping my brain around Primal eating, and counting my points on Weight Watchers. A lifetime of being told “fat is bad” is hard to let go of after only a few weeks.

Here’s what I know to be true, however. I love feeling healthier. I love learning these new recipes that include loads of vegetables.  I love that my husband, bless his junk-food eating heart, is eating his vegetables, albeit gagging them down, but eating them all the same. Because he knows he SHOULD eat them. I LOVE how my 16 month old eats the vegetables first, and often tosses the other stuff over the side of his high chair for the eagerly awaiting dogs.

I love going to the gym and having a lady I see there often tell me that the weights I am using are definitely too light for me now. She told me to suck it up and push a little harder. That is the beauty of a small town gym. People notice when you are there. People notice your progress.  

This is my perfectly imperfect journey, of getting my body back to a healthy and happy place. There are days when nothing still fits and I beat myself up for letting myself get to the place that I was 6 months ago (my rock bottom weight). I’m still fighting to get back from that place. But then there are days like yesterday, when I wore a pair of pants that I bought five years ago when I started my new job, and only was able to wear for about a year before they rapidly became too small, and I wore them to work yesterday, without needing to cut myself out of them.

Will I stay “Primal” for the rest of my life, I have no idea. And that’s not a cop-out or an excuse or even setting myself up for failure. I’m just trying to fill up my mind and my body with as much “truth” as I can about living healthier.  I need to find what works best for me. But I also live in the real world, where I commute over an hour each way to work, and I have a junk-food addict for a husband, and a baby who I am trying to teach to live healthy, from the beginning. And with all of that, I have no idea where I will be in this food journey, even six months from now. But what I do know is that I will still be healthy. I will still be exercising and feeding my body and my families bodies with as much healthy food as I possibly can. I will NOT go back to the way that I was living. I have fought for every success I have earned on this journey I’ll be damned if I give any of those back to the unhealthy darkside that I was living in.

  Cause this happy life is totally where it's at.

The Primal bandwagon

Ok, I am certainly not the first to write about the Primal lifestyle, nor will I be the last, I am sure. But I must say, I am a believer.

One of my favorite bloggers, that I have referred to here before, Modern Matriarch, also has a Primal blog, and she wrote about the lifestyle very well here. Honestly, I can't put into words how I am feeling as eloquently as she did this week.

First, I think that I am so open to this now, because I have spent the past 6 months struggling on Weight Watchers. But although I have fought for each one of the 22 pounds I have lost, I have been changing my life, one day at a time. And for the first time ever, I have not given up, even though the thought has crossed my mind more then a few times. And because I have made so many lifestyle changes in regards to the way that I eat, I am ready to take my healthy eating to a new level. I am ready to make even bigger changes and make myself even healthier. So, bottom line, the old familar standby of Weight Watchers gave me the foundation I needed to jump on the increasingly popular "Primal" bandwagon.

But beyond the foundation, I think I am so open to this now because it isn't a fad. It isn't Atkins or South Beach. It isn't a diet. It is an entire way of living. And considering one of the foundational elements of this lifestyle is to play more, who doesn't LOVE that?  I love that other bloggers who I have read for FOREVER, who I respect and consider to have very similar lifestyles to my own, are also considering going Primal. I think that serves as a testament that there is something to this way of life. And, honestly, I can use all of the support I can get considering that my husband has not had the same "come to jesus" as I have about getting healthy. Some habits are hard to break.

And, like Modern Matriarch, I'm doing this for me, and hopefully for my family. I'm not going to become some Primal zealot, where my way is the only way. We each have our own journey. Right now I am just taking it one meal at a time. Because for now, that's really all I can handle.