I feel like all I write about here these days is my resolve to “get back on the wagon” of healthy eating. And to be completely honest, healthy eating isn’t really the problem (although if I’m truly honest with myself, all of those little “cheats” recently have probably been adding up to way too many cheats) it’s the quantity of the food that I am eating that is the problem. And beyond the quantity of food that I am eating, I have returned to many old stress eating habits. With all of the waiting for news around here I have been coping by numbing, numbing with food. And I am ashamed.
I am ashamed that I had so much resolve at this time last year. I was being really successful on my healthy eating life change. I was 15 pounds lighter even. But somehow when the going got tough around these parts, the tough started eating. I can recognize all of the wrong things that I am doing. I know how to make the changes. But yet something is holding me back. And I know that something is my extreme addiction to food and its power to instantly soothe and yet simultaneously make me feel so terrible. I have found myself standing in front of the refrigerator again, and shoveling everything I see, into my mouth as quickly as possible. I have found myself eating quietly by myself in the kitchen, again, so I don’t have to explain to anyone why I am eating 18 vanilla wafers in 30 seconds. And I can justify just about anything. Oh, I just burned over 600 calories at Body Pump, I can have a little ice cream. Or, today was a TERRIBLE day, having a second helping of spaghetti sauce and sausages will make me feel better.
I feel like a failure. And the more the negative self talk permeates my psyche, the farther away I get from snapping out of this funk and doing better. I recognize that this will be my story, probably for the rest of my life. My healthy journey is not simply about losing 50 pounds and then suddenly stopping being healthy and all will be right with the world. I recognize that this battle, and that is truly what it is for me, a battle, is life-long. I know it isn’t supposed to be easy, nothing worthwhile ever really is. I’m just feeling defeated these days. Defeated by my own issues. I’m trying to remind myself that I just need to take this journey, one day at a time. Because ultimately if I am the one with the food issues, I am the only one who can make the change.
It IS a war. But you're worth it. Keep fighting.
Posted by: AndreAnna | June 23, 2011 at 10:05 AM